And...

...he's not ready for a relationship (he says). Yup...what I thought had such promise has already crashed and burned.

I've been placed on a moratorium (by Erica) for a month: no guys/no crushes/nothing.

My friend Rod yesterday tried to tell me that a) I'm still not over Justin (not true) and that b) I like anyone who's nice to me and will sleep with me. Wow. That was nice, eh? It made me feel like I'm sort of a whore.

I'm not a whore. Maybe I've been a bit overboard lately (aka since November), but I'm not a whore.

And I really like(d) this guy. He wasn't a distraction to get over Justin. I like "R" for who he is and really did feel there was something there. Or, that there could be. Again, my feelings tend to get hot much faster than others (apparently).

And, as far as "break ups" go, this was the nicest/kindest, most civil, least asshole-ish I've ever had...thus far in my 29 years. He keeps waiting for me to be mad at him.

That might happen in a month or so...it did take me a while to be mad at Justin, remember...

Anyway...so, it's finito. At Mark and Katrina's wedding last night...I had large moments of self-pity. It's really hard to be around a TON of people who are coupled up (most of the high school folks that Mark and I know from BHS are married. Many have kids...meanwhile most of Katrina's friends have been dating their sig others for eons. Not a lot of singletons in either group) when you're single and particularly after you just were dumped.

Argh...so, that's it. I guess now I can fully concentrate on planning for the fall. Whee?

Feels just like I'm fallin' for the first time!

So, I've told you a bit about "R". How I thought I was wedding crashed. How the jury was then called back into chambers to deliberate further.

I don't know how to NOT rush into things. I'm a "leap then look" (or at least start looking when I'm already falling) when it comes to matters of the heart.

I'm so crazy about "R" it's got me a bit scared. He's not the type to rush into things he says. But, he is very much interested. I just think I'm a bit more emotionally involved than he is. Which is typical (of me in a relationship), but after everything else in the past year, is what scares me a bit more.

He's so funny. He's smart. He's cute. He's liberal (politically). He's a great kisser. He's a smart ass. He LOVES music (I think he's been to more concerts than I have). Is it any wonder that I'm nutso for him? Seriously...

**Subject line quote from: Barenaked Ladies, Fallin for the First Time

Random Rambles

I have found a new beer to love. It's Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss. O MY GOD! It's so damn YUMMY! Yet, it still tastes like beer. Whereas, my beloved Woodchuck, simply tastes like apple juice. Which is fine. Anyway, what's one cool thing is that Berry Weiss is cheaper than Woodchuck. SCORE!

I now have TWO interviews tomorrow for jobs. Both are w/ the largest district in town. 1 is w/ BH and the other is w/ CH. I had one super early this morning at MM. I got a VERY good vibe from the principal and the two women--an assistant principal and a language arts teacher. I suppose I'll just have to see how things turn out tomorrow. I've already had an interview at the high school I student taught at--different district. It was interesting.

Tomorrow night will be very hectic for me. But, I'd rather be a little crazy than bored, so that's good. I have to work, then I want to go out for a bit w/ "R", b4 I go over to Erica's folks. The flight for Chi-town leaves UBER early Thursday, so I'm staying there on the couch, so my parents don't have to drive all the way in to town, just to take my sorry ass to the airport.

I'm SO excited to see everyone in Chi this wknd. Much like what Erica & Kit have said--the wedding feels kinda 2ndary. Yes, I realize that's why we're tehre, but honestly? I really just want to hang out w/ everyone. I need to remember to take some sort of comfy shoes for the reception b/c I'm sure I'll be running around gabbing w/ everyone.

I wish my face would calm itself down. This has been the worst few months for me, complexion-wise. Damn stress and I'm having some sort of allergic reaction or something. I finally broke down & have a derm appointment when I get back. I think it's Monday...

I hate packing.

I should go pack AND watch the rest of 40 yr old Virgin. Holy shit that movie is hilarious. I figured it would be, but I need to be careful, otherwise I might spurt beer out my nose. "Fuckin' French Toast!"

I can't help myself

Ok, so I posted this on my MySpace blog, w/ the filter set to diary (aka, no one could read it). I feel ready to have it on here. First, let me preface it with the current jury verdict. I like "R". I really, really, REALLY like "R". He's funny. He's smart. He's an accountant. He's a liberal. He hates the pres as much as I do. He got to see Clinton speak and thinks he's a brilliant speaker, much like I do. We saw each other Friday night. We (ahem) ate breakfast together Saturday morning at VI.

Now, realize that while things are in these very initial stages, the jury reserves the right to go back into chambers and reevaluate the situation.

But, I like him. He's so cute. And tall (6'2"). Tee hee. I'm twitterpated.

Ok: original MySpace post:
Please don't think I'm SO fickle
I know one of my recent posts was about how I'm not over Justin. Or, wasn't or whatever. At the time of that post, I still had very strong feelings surrounding that whole issue. Not a lot of them were romantic in nature, however. And, I do believe that finally seeing him, in person, helped me to realize a lot of stuff. That things between us were finally over. That holding on was futile and pointless. That it's really ridiculous how high up on his person he wears his pants. Whoa. That I would never have been happy in AZ.

A lot of epiphanies, eh? I think so. I had another one the other day: if I'm not married by the time I'm 35, I'm buying a house and getting a dog. I like living by myself: I can be as messy and lazy as I want & there's no one around to care. I can be as LOUD as I want & not have to worry about roommates (only neighbors & that's a bit extreme).

Along these epiphanic lines (I'm not sure that's a word, but I like it--I'm making it one)...I met a new guy. This is where the (perhaps perceived) fickleness comes in to play. I know that trying to get over someone, by moving on to someone else doesn't really work. Trust me, been there, done that a few times already.

This is different from the previous rebound guys this year. He's different. I caught some flack from some friends about how w/ Young'En I never sounded excited. With the hippy, I really wasn't excited, but just needing to scratch an itch. The other instance, well, we both knew going in what was going on with me.

This is different. I'm so freaking excited about this guy. You should have seen how ridiculous I was last night, trying to (patiently) wait for him to call to come join us at the bar. And, he did. And he's SO fun and funny and smart and a smart ass (which I love) and a good kisser and I'm just really LIKING him already.

I know, full well, my tendency to fall head over heels, and fast, with guys. I know that I'm almost already to that point. I'm not sure I care. If I get hurt, I get hurt. Shit happens. I'm not saying it wouldn't suck, but you take a risk with people, ya know?

He feels worth the risk.

Ok, maybe not

Update: the jury has gone back into chambers to deliberate further regarding "R". A verdict has NOT been returned just yet. Keep checking back for more details, as they are released.

Hmmm...

'Scuse me while I'm mortified

So, I think I've been "wedding crashed". Yup, that is the technical term. On Saturday I would have been posting a blog about how excited I was that I met a guy. Now, it's Tuesday and I'm feeling that excitement ebb away, replaced by cold hard being ignored. And, I feel like a moron. Gah.

Saturday evening, I played the flute at the wedding of a friend of a friend. I actually know the bride through 2 different people: Whitney & Katrina. Whitney, Phylis and I played for the wedding. Friday night, I went out w/ Whitney and several people involved w/ the wedding (bridesmaids, groomsmen, bride & groom, various attendees). Friday night, there were SO many cute, single guys there, I had a hard time focusing on which one I wanted to chat up more. I ended up talking equally to this guy "J" and his friend "R". "R" was not actually invited to the wedding, but does know the groom, a bit. "R" was very nice & all 3 of us had a good time talking, so I told him (as did "J", the actual invitee) he should come to the reception. So, he did.

Long story short...I went back to "R"s place after the reception w/ him, "J" and another friend "A". The plan was to play drinking games. Let me preface this w/ the knowledge that I'd already had about 6 beers, was beyond needing a drinking game to be drunkish and Saturday was night #3 of me drinking. Oh yeah, in fine form I was. Well, we arrive at the house and "J" promptly passes out in the living room & begins to snore. At that time, it's about 1:30 or so, so "A" goes to crash in the guest room (where the cat has puked & shat, in the past--apparently it smells great), and "R" & I go into his room. Now, up to that point, we'd been Flirty McFlirtersons w/ each other & we get into the room, pop a movie in & proceed to make out. Make out is pretty much all we do--I'd made it very clear to him early on that I wasn't going to sleep w/ him. I think I said that would be an activity for a later date. [***Note: after 3 days of drinking, I'm not quite the brightest crayon in the box. Bleagh.]

Sunday afternoon, "R" & "A" drop me off at my car, which is at Whitney's house. "R" tells me to send him a MySpace msg. Yeah, no exchange of phone #s, just the MySpace thing. So, I did. He's read it (actually, I've sent 2 & he's read both), BUT, no reply.

Yup, I've been wedding crashed. Dammit. It sucks, b/c he (up till this point) seems like a nice guy: accountant, intelligent, liberal (his page has a countdown till G-Dub's out of office), funny, etc. Grrr...But, apparently not.

PS: I'm going to post some other posts, but pre-date them (b/c I wrote them previous days) on here, so check after this post, obekabie. You might find some of it ironic. :-)

I never thought cactus would make me cry

But it does. See, there was a part of me that really didn't want to move to AZ at all. Hot weather. Scary bugs. Hot weather. Far away from my home. But...I was considering it. And I was excited about it. The fact that I was considering it is damn monumental. That I cared/loved that much to move so far away from friends and family and everything that I've ever known?...super big deal. But apparently I get a big "fuck you" because you didn't want me. Yet you feel you can string me along. Well, a big fuck you right back.

Asshole. I don't want goddamn cactus to make me cry. I don't WANT to see an AZ license plate and get sad and pissed off all at the same time. I don't want to get pissy every time I hear about some sports team from AZ. But I can't help it. It all reminds me of you and it all fucking hurts. And yeah, so fucking what, I've had a few beers tonight. Big deal. I at least have friends that I can drink with. What did you get when you moved there, eh? Debt? A feeling that you're completely lost? More debt? The feeling you're being intrusive? A job and school that prevents a social life? Way to go! I'm sure you're really happy, eh?

You have no idea what you're missing out on. (yet, as I say/write this, I doubt myself & my worth b/c I'm buzzing & feeling pathetic). You don't. I know that I made you happy. I was good for you--I balanced you out. You're too dumb to know. So fuck you. Fuck. you.

Now, if I only I believed that 100%.

*sigh*

I know I haven't been posting lately. And, I also know that every time I do manage to log on here to write something, I apologize for it. At least there's some consistency in that, right? Since there's been so much, yet not anything going on, this will be just some random thoughts.

I can't believe I'm almost done student teaching. I need to figure out a way to either move my teaching blog to a new account, or just delete it entirely. I want to have a blog my students can read & access homework from next year, BUT I don't want them to find this one. And, speaking of, I need to figure out how to post documents onto the blog, link-style. That will help b/c inevitably I'll have someone gone & if they want to access homework from home, that'd be sweet.

Apparently my taste in men lately has veered into the "douchebag" category. This from my guy friends at my part-time job. First Young'En broke up w/ me over the phone. Then, what was a 2-weekend dalliance was ended through a MYSPACE msg. Oh yeah, way to pick'em eh?

And, all the while, I'm still, STILL trying to get to a point where missing Justin doesn't hurt. I think that next month is going to be a test for me. He'll be in town for a friend's wedding. I was invited. I didn't RSVP b/c I decided I can't go. Not only can I not afford a gift, but I don't think my heart can afford seeing Justin at an event that's supposed to be happy. I don't want to sit there & be a basket case. Now, before you get all sorts of worried, there are some days (more often than not) where I believe I just miss the IDEA of him. But then I realized last night that Monday would've been our 2-yr anniversary. And he (and his mom) both sent me birthday cards. So I've had some steps back recently.

I need to get off my butt & apply for jobs, but I'm more than a little terrified by this idea. I HATE the job search. More & more as I get older, it freaks me out.

The other thing that's been on my mind lately is that I feel not necessarily out of place, but that I don't know if I have a place. Or, if I do have a place, where that place is. I was talking to my friend Linda last night about the possibility of moving out of state somewhere (not anywhere far, b/c I still want to be relatively close to my parents). However, I had a pretty lengthy dream this morning that involved moving (as in, I was moving out of state) and in my dream I was FREAKING out & didn't want to go & was bawling my eyes out. I take that as a sign that I don't want to move after all. It's hard, b/c I sometimes feel that there's this subtle pressure or notion that as a person, you haven't grown up or made something of yourself if you haven't ever moved from this state I call my home. And that irritates me. I mean, there are several things I'm not thrilled about related to this state of mine (mostly political things), but overall, what's so wrong with it?

But still, I feel lost. Right now, I blame it on a combination of Justin's lost-ness rubbing off on me (in my bday card he said that he's still not sure if AZ is for him, he still might move to AK, but yet he probably won't like it there & still might end up back here at his old job, which is the one he had when we met. OY!!!!) AND the fact that I've moved 4x in the past 4 yrs. A feeling of being settled, that does NOT inspire. (how'd ya like my yoda-ese there?)

Well, it's almost noon, I'm still in my pjs & I think that I need to go get SOMETHING done for the day.

Someday

Well, I had these thoughts in the shower the other day, so...hopefully they will come out as coherently now as they were then...

I think I'll preface this w/ an explanation that I usually end up taking very lengthy showers. Bad for the environment and my roommate's water bill, I know, but I TRY to be speedy. However, have you SEEN the amount of hair I have?!?! So...with all the time I spend in there, I end up doing some thinking. Actually I've often thought there's just something about the bathroom that inspires deep thoughts and epiphanies. (Imagine the thoughts I have at the bar after several beers and I have to use the facilities. Whoo dawggies!)

Anyway...

Someday, somewhere, I will find him. HIM. The guy that I'll spend the rest of my life with. And he will love me for a million reasons. He won't just tolerate all my quirks, my idiosyncracies and the fact that I'm so picky about so many things--he'll think such things are cute or endearing and realize they are definitely what makes me, me. He will appreciate the little things I do for him, along with the big things. He'll think I'm beautiful 24-7, but he will definitely notice and comment on it when I make an effort to be beautiful. He'll get my sense of humor and laugh at me when it's appropriate. He'll be ok with the fact that I end up spending so much money on my hair b/c well, again, have you SEEN how much of it there is?! It's high maintenance. He'll acknowledge my intelligence and we'll have deep conversations, but he'll also revel in my silliness and allow me to be just ridiculous when I feel like it. He'll put up with the dumb stuff that I do, but will call me on my shit when I need it. He will give awesome backrubs. He will want to make love to me all the time (obviously, we couldn't do it all the time), so thus, we'll be very compatible in bed. (however, I do concede that you can't have amazing, mind-blowing sex 100% of the time, so I'm ok with having the amazing stuff when we can, and good sex for the other times). He will be intelligent and like to read. His love of music will rival my own. He'll want to take me out to fancy, pricey meals now and then, but will love the fact that some days all I want is to stay home, watch movies and have frozen pizza. He'll have a job he loves that pays him what he deserves, and he'll be happy with it. He'll be close to his family and have a group of friends he's close to as well. He'll like my friends and will "get" all that goes along with the whole Babes of South Ash deal and the rest of it. He will get along FABULOUSLY with my brother (b/c that is of utmost importance). He will be nice, but not so nice that he's a pushover--I can't have my way all the time and me being a manipulative bitch is NOT a good thing. He will be comfortable in his own skin, but not cocky. He will want kids, and more importantly, want to have them with me. He will think the fact that I'm a teacher is amazing and will respect that and me for my desire to work with kids. He'll baby me when I need it, pamper me when I need it, and give me a swift kick when I need it. To boil it all down, he will get me and get what I need/want.

And he's out there, right now, thinking that there is some wonderful blue-eyed blond woman he'd like to find who's smart, silly, etc, everything that I am.

This is what I keep telling myself, particularly on days when I'm feeling really utterly alone. On days when I think back to past relationships, and what was right about them (the guy and the relationship) and what was wrong (both, again). And eventually I'll move on from the one that I'm still trying to work through and get over. Someday I won't tear up thinking about it. About the fact that he's not this man that I've imagined (when I thought he was).

So, I keep thinking about the possibilities. And I keep convincing myself that this dream man DOES exist. Someday. Somewhere. Yup.

Uh, um, uh

I'm trying to decide if my outing with a friend, a guy, last night, could be mistaken for a date. I'm afraid the answer to that posed query is yes. Oh dear...

Here's the thing. My friend is nice. He is a guy. I work with him at my P-T job. He's funny & fun & intelligent. I'm not attracted to him. So, for me, he will always be in the "friends" category. As Chenille in Save the Last Dance says "You can't help who you love, Derek. You're not supposed to". To kinda go along with my last post--I end up falling who guys who seem like nice/good guys. But, then they end up treating me like crap. So I don't have that figured out yet. But, I HAVE figured out that you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. You either want to make out with them, or not.

ANYWAY...

So, we'd set it up that yesterday after we're both off work, Friend was going to come over and mess with my cable hookup in my bedroom (I couldn't get it figured out, apparently b/c I was having a completely blond moment...it was an easily solved problem)AND also give me a backrub (he'd like to be a massage therapist). He calls & we're both hungry and I manage to wrangle food out of him. However, I was under the impression that he was just going to pick up some food on the way to my house. Oh no. Instead, he picks me up and we go to a yummy, swank Italian restaurant. Our bill was about $60, and I had a glass of wine b/c I wasn't driving. He sprung for strawberry cheesecake too. And yes, he paid the whole bill. Then, we go back to my place, he fixes my cable & then I end up getting a massage that lasts about 1 1/2 hours. Yeah...he worked on my back, arms and legs. Holy crap, I'm sore today b/c apparently my legs were all screwed up. But...man, an hour and a half massage? You don't give someone one of those unless you like them, right?

So, what do I do about this? I hope I haven't been giving off any sort of "I'm interested" impressions to Friend. B/c I don't want to date him and actually I really probably should give the dating thing a rest for awhile. Hmmm...

What do you think? Are my instincts, my suppositions, correct? Or am I being paranoid?

GRRRR

I am irritated. And, I am sick too, but that's besides the point.

Young'En and I are in the midst of our first fight/disagreement/whatever. And I'm not sure what the solution would be, b/c on some levels, I don't want to be a demanding girlfriend. Yet, on the other hand, I don't think that I'm being demanding. BUT--the definition of demanding could be relative, right? Oh whatever, anyway...

Young'En was supposed to come over and see me today. I'm sick, so I stayed home from work/school. He had work he was supposed to be doing, but I said he could come over in the evening. Well, long story short, he ended up going out with friends & when they were done being out (they went to a horsepark place to gamble), they decided to go keep drinking at Young'Ens house. Meaning, Young'En was not coming over here. So, I'm pissed. I didn't tell him not to go out with his friends, b/c I understand that's important. And, I could have gone, but I'm sick & didn't feel up to it. (Plus, I have a crap-ton of homework) But, dammit, I just wanted him to come see me. That's NOT asking for too much, I don't think.

And I'm already irritated b/c next week, on Saturday, is monthly poker game. Which means rather than having our Valentine's Day outing on Saturday, he's going to be playing poker. And it's not like Friday isn't an option, it's just not a great one. I have class at 8am Saturday mornings & so going out on Friday tends to completely wipe me out. And he knows this. And part of me understands why poker is important (it's a family thing that's just once a month--dad, uncles, brother, etc), but the other part of me thinks it's a bunch of crap b/c I want to go out with my boyfriend, dammit!

Is that so wrong? Am I out of line? Am I being unreasonable? Grrr...I have to go finish my damn homework. Bleagh.

Hmmm, this will be random

Apparently pictures are the way to go in terms of posts. I got more comments from that last post than any other previous...

And, I know I haven't posted much here lately.

I feel SO busy w/ student teaching, yet at the same time, while I'm at school it's like my brain's on pause and I can't think. Bleagh. Hopefully I can change that here this next week. AAACK! I'm working on prepping for lessons on media ownership and "free speech" for the end of next week. AND, my first full lesson about Edgar Allan Poe for Eng 11. I get to use part of a Gilmore Girls episode. Too fabulous.

Grey's Anatomy was SO good this wk, but I am PISSED that they totally left us hanging. I think that George's dad's going to die. And that makes me very sad. I'm sure I will cry buckets. And whoa--the whole Addy & Alex thing? Crazy, but yet, I saw it coming (only a few episodes previous but still).

Speaking of TV, Young'En is finding the episodes I've missed lately of Gilmore Girls. This is key b/c he's SUCH a guy's guy that him finding a show like Gilmore Girls is a testament of a) how much he likes me & b) what a nice guy he is. Tee hee hee. However, I'm annoyed or peeved or something (not sure what the right word is) b/c yesterday I had a crappy night at work (Sat) and just wanted him to come and stay over after he finished w/ poker (a 12-hour thing w/ his dad, brother, uncle & great-uncle. They play once a month. Nutters). He did not. When I'm crabby & sad I want to cuddle. Granted they finished at 2am, but still, he could have just come to my house & crawled into bed w/ me & crashed. Phooey.

Speaking of bed, I'd better get back to work so I can get there myself. We don't have the day off tomorrow, but instead have all district staff development meetings. Beginning at 8am. Bleagh. Ooh & I have to find my paperwork for it too. Shit.

Pictures

This is me and Young'En, after more than a few rounds of alcohol. He blinked the first time we took the picture, so that's why his eyes are open WAY wider than normal.

This is Kittie, Erica and I. Young'En took our picture. The five of us (the girls, Young'En and Kittie's hubby, Brian) went out to eat and drink a few days before New Year's. Primarily the outing was so the girls could meet (and approve of) Young'En.

Welcome to Wonderland

Well, actually not really at all, b/c it's cold, wet and dreary today. Rain, but no snow. And, I guess I'd rather have snow, b/c rain might lead to ice. BLEAGH!

Anyway...my co-worker Maria bought the pitcher of champagne. She had a glass, then do did Kay, Young'En, and Katrina. Katrina actually had 1 1/2. I had the rest of the damn pitcher to myself. Yeah. Mmm...such bubbly goodness though. A nice sweet and crisp champagne, with a slight apple taste to it. Yummy! But, I started feeling it in my knees, so I didn't drive when we went to eat Chinese food at 3 Happys (what I call it, not exactly it's real name). And yes, my mom did stop by, but Young'En took it in stride--he's SO laid back, a lot of things just don't really phase him.

We discussed last night and further figured out that he and I are pretty much complete opposites. With the exception of having big goofy streaks. Which I've decided is something that I like in a guy. I want to be able to laugh, ridiculously, sometimes and if you're too serious, then well, you're not going to be laughing with me. So, phooey on you!

We also discussed/decided that we're officially dating/a couple. Yeah, I know, it's kinda fast, but...whatever. I try very hard to go with the flow, but I'm not really very good at it. I'm an over thinker. I do MUCH better when I have an idea of where the flow is going exactly. Or not even exactly, just some sort of clue/direction/etc. So...yeah. Anyway...

Ok, I'm feeling silly and blushing right now. I think I'm going to actually go do some work. Or maybe, just a survey on MySpace. Yeah...

We're off to see the Wizard

...the wonderful wizard of the Homy Inn. Yup, purveyor of CHAMPAGNE ON TAP. It's so wonderful to see you all just as excited as I am by this prospect. Oh yeah baby! And, let me tell you--it's fabulous stuff too. Better than the junk I bought this past weekend (how's that for specificity Webmiztris?) for Becky's graduation. YICK! That stuff was dry and gross! But, I had some very interesting and tasty Leinenkugel Apple Spice beer. Mmm.

Ok, I'm going to leave now.

Oh, and I did invited Young'En and he's coming.

Oh, and so's my mom.

EEEEK.

Should be

I should be more tired...but I'm not. Young'En slept over last night. I was a tad drunken and he drove me home from the party we're at. Just a sleepover, nothing more. I got the "I'll call you" when he took me back to my car today.

He's so hard to read. I'm not good with that.

He is very sweet. He bought breakfast this morning. Well, this afternoon. We finally fell asleep between 4 and 5 am. We got out of bed about 1.

He did admit last night to a) not being good at or fond of text msgs (I find them completely handy when you need to talk, but can't actually be on the phone--like passing notes!) and b) of not checking or leaving voice mails.

ARGH.

My dad asked me questions about him tonight. Oy. I know that my parents talk, but sometimes I wish that my mom would just keep things to herself. Especially since I'm not entirely sure that I know what's going on.

I should be composed and unconcerned about all this, but that's becoming more difficult.

I've never been one to shut off my emotions. I don't think that I have that particular button. I sure as hell can't hide them or mask them or what-have-you. I've been told several times that I wear them on my face for the world to see. And I'm demonstrative of affection.

Shit, I think I'm in trouble.

Wasting time

It's Friday & I took the day off from work. So, I'm not TECHNICALLY playing hooky, but what I took the day off for--I'm not doing that anymore. So, I'm currently at my college's computer lab, "ripping" music from my cds to "burn" the songs onto my faboo mix cd.

That's not really wasting time, right? RIGHT!

So, I'm not good with things like being patient. I get paranoid and I have an overactive imagination and so being patient, when it comes to people calling me back, in particular?...NOT really happening. Young'En and I went out to the movies on Monday, and then we haven't really talked since. Granted, he's had finals and projects due this wk, but a person could at LEAST answer a text message, right? Oy! I just get this feeling that all of the sudden, interest has waned. WTF? I do NOT understand the male half of our species.

Huh...I thought I'd picked too much music for the cd. I only had 58 minutes. *rubbing hands together gleefully* Now I can pick MORE music!

How?

How do I get over you if you call me on Sundays? How do I get over you if I answer the phone? How do I get over you if every time I watch some silly chick flick where girl gets boy, I keep thinking about you and me and start to cry because I had you and then lost you? How do I move on, when I keep thinking about you? And why are you calling me? I know you care about me, but you essentially told me you didn't love me anymore, at least, not the same way that I love(-d) you. So, what's going on?

And what am I going to do about the rest of my "romantic" life, huh? Where I have two guys that are after me, and yes, I am kind of viewing it as a problem. Because I want to man juggle, but I don't think that I have it in me. Especially if sex becomes involved. Because like any normal hotblooded female (I hate that phrase) I think about sex, and I rather like having it. But, I'm not going to be so capricious about it (name that movie!) that I just well, jump into the sack with one or both of these guys. (not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind...well, at least, it did today. After 2 dates w/ just a smooch and then a 3rd date with an actual kiss (a great kiss), and then seeing each other last night after the party--Young'En tried to get me out of my cute LBD from the party. Meanwhile, after the party (like, right after) Guy tried to get me to come over for some "hanging out"--yeah, the sexual tension apparently was NOT taken care of). I chose Young'En last night because I'd already told him I'd see him after the party.

This week I'm probably going to get myself into more trouble in this department. I'm going to a movie release/premiere thingie w/ Young'En tomorrow. Guy invited me over for dinner on Tuesday. I know that for some of you out there I probably sound like some sort of incredibly lucky snot b/c I have more than one man who's interested in me, and there is a part of me who knows that this is damn cool, but the other freakishly over-analyzer part of me who thinks every thing to DEATH and who on some level really doesn't know what to do with guys...she's setting up for a big panic. And it's like I can't stop myself from this stuff--I can't stop the whirlwind that is me. A lot of it is b/c I don't want to. I like the attention. I like feeling this way and I know that I'm better than this--that having guys like me shouldn't be so important, but yet...aren't all of we females like this? In some ways, in some instances? Or is it just me, the Low Self Esteem Queen, ruling over my land of romantic mishaps all of which are my own doing.

And yet...how do I stop thinking about you? How? And why is it that I can't just ask you what you're doing & why it feels like you now are the one that doesn't want to let go?

Girls Night (a post 2 days in the making)

Saturday
Me, friend Katrina, friend Whitney and a bunch of Katrina's friends went out last night for Girls Night. I'm glad I took Whitney along b/c all of Katrina's friends are from high school and so they all spent a lot of time talking about when they were in high school and stuff that they have done during the long years of their friendships. (oy) We drank quite a bit, but I had a weird combo or order of my drinking so that I didn't really feel completely drunken till we were leaving the bar.
I had a beer at dinner, then 3 cap'n'cokes, a blowjob shot (YUM!--my fave), then 2 beers. Double oy.
There were these boys/guys at a table next to us at the bar that I ended up doing some mild flirting with. They were in town from Canada, via Dallas (alberta mostly). They're hockey boys and are on an AHL team that's the MN sub, but it's based in Dallas. They were playing against our town's AHL team & were out drinking the night before their game. They were REALLY concerned with their pinball game they kept playing, but we all noticed them looking at our table periodically (who could blame them--we are HOT!). So, finally we start talking to them & Sarah talks quite a bit to them, b/c she knows lots about hockey. I know nothing, so I was mostly talking to them about city vs. country life, etc.

Besides talking to the boys, we girls did spend a little bit of time talking about Young'En. He and I are going out to a movie tonight--we're going to see The Prestige. Me, in my hungover and extremely tired state. I say hungover b/c I'm headachey and dehydrated. But, I don't feel overly sick in the stomach, just the headachey, mostly. Anyway...
All yesterday I kept thinking the following. I have a date. I have a date. I have a date. I have a date. Can you see that I'm kinda having a difficult time wrapping my head around the concept. I'm both excited and nervous. Though, more so about the fact that it's a date.
I heard nothing but nice things about Young'En last night--like he's the nicest guy and sometimes has been overlooked in the past b/c he's such a nice guy and sometimes can be more like a friend or brother figure to the girls than anything else. And how he he's the type of guy that takes care of people and protects people (given the fact that he was in the army, that protecting thing isn't surprising). And, that he seems like a big scary tough guy, but he's actually quite sensitive (my bro, Jared, is like that--he can be really really sensitive, though I think he's more comfortable in his own skin now. He's done SO much growing up this past year and a half).
Anyway...so, we're going out to a movie and then for food afterward tonight. We're going to go see The Holiday next week. I'm really excited to see that movie. I'm excited to go out tonight. And nervous too. But, more because I haven't been on an actual date for awhile. I'm not nervous, exactly, about going out with Young'En, I don't think...but yet, I am nervous. I don't know what to wear!

(side note: I have to switch purses before tonight b/c EW! it is STINK-EY with smoke from the bar last night)

Sunday
Well, I didn't get to finish my post yesterday b/c I finally had to pay attention in class. My current teaching class is Technology & so we spend almost all day long on the computer. Nice, eh? So, that's why I was writing a post in class.

Last night's date went well. We went to the movie, which he really liked, (I liked it too, but I figured I would) and then to Old Chicago afterward for food, beer and to watch the Big 12 Championship (ouch). We had a few pauses in the conversation, but nothing really awkward. We actually talked for a good chunk of the evening. Then, he took me back to my car (we'd met at the movie theatre b/c it was 1/2way between our dwellings) & then we went home.

And, sorry, no other details as of yet b/c one of his best gal pals is a Blogger blogger and on the off chance she finds my blog (she was out w/ us for girls' night), I don't want to spill too much, ya know? I know there are post protect options with Beta, but I haven't looked into those yet, so...till then...

OH...completely unrelated side note--please pray or send positive thought vibes to my friend Robin and her husband Paul, would you? They are REALLY struggling right now, and have been since Paul came back from Iraq last year. They can use all the happy thoughts you can send ok?

Ever had one of those awkward moments?

Yeah, really? Me too. I had a few last night...

On the night of my friend Katrina's bday (a few wknds ago)--I got pretty furschnickered and had to have guy (yes, he of making out fame) come get me from the bar. I had told him earlier in the night that if he needed someone to drive him home (he'd already been drinking earlier in the day b/c of college football), to give me a call b/c I wasn't planning on drinking. Hah! Funny, huh? Well actually the first semi-awkward moment involving Young'En was that night. Young'En is a friend of Katrina's from high school. His is thussly named b/c he is the same age as my lil bro, Jared. Which is more of a psychological thing than anything...Anyway...

I was talking with Young'En (after 4 captain'n'cokes), well and flirting too, and when the bar closed we were in the process of exchanging phone numbers when guy showed up to pick up my drunk ass. Oopsie. So, one of Young'Ens other friends played wing-girl for me and distracted guy while I was doing the phone number exchange.

So, I didn't hear from Young'En for about a week or so. And, things were really darn fun w/ guy so I wasn't really concerned (truth be told--I'm not much of a man juggler. I can only handle one at a time no matter what the circumstance of the handling is...).

THEN...Thanksgiving night, I get a call from Young'En. Well, ok, a voicemail, b/c the phone was off b/c the battery was dead and then I discovered that the phone was GONE, lost forever in the state of Iowa, in the middle of nowhere at a gas station we call the Four Corners (not its actual name). Apparently a bunch of people were going out to drink b/c no one had to work the next day. Sounds like they had trouble finding a place that was open, given the holiday thing and all. So...when I bought a new phone on Friday I called my friend Katrina and got Young'Ens phone number again, so I could call him back. And, I did, and he was at a family Thanksgiving dinner. But, he called yesterday and I went w/ him and 2 friends to a college hockey game last night. Then, afterward we went out to a bar and I drank copious amounts of beer. As did everyone else. Anyway...there was a guy at the bar who kept buying all of us pitchers (yeah, it was a bit weird...he knew everyone from high school, sorta) and uh, he kept referring to Young'En and I as boyfriend and girlfriend. (awkward moment #2) Kept telling Young'En "your girlfriend's fiesty", b/c well, I am when I have beer in me. I got a little free w/ the middle finger last night. But, the real awkward moment was when beer buyer asked Young'En how long we'd been together (b/c he'd been asking everyone else at the table the same), to which Young'En replied "this is our first date". Wow, beer buyer felt really DUMB after that. It was pretty funny. But again, awkward. But, not so bad that it made things turn out poorly on the date. It was a pretty good date. Young'En is super sweet.

We'll see what happens with all this...

Oh, and I emailed Justin in a drunken sadness on Friday night. He wrote back. It was long. :-(




"we are without leeches and wenches!"--Gilmore Girls Season Six.
Wackadoodle