And...yeah...

So...Justin's moving back. He's taking his old job he had here (when we met) back.

I don't know when.

I'm not sure what it means.

I'm a bit freaked out though...too many emotions. Too many thoughts. Had to share.

How?

How do I get over you if you call me on Sundays? How do I get over you if I answer the phone? How do I get over you if every time I watch some silly chick flick where girl gets boy, I keep thinking about you and me and start to cry because I had you and then lost you? How do I move on, when I keep thinking about you? And why are you calling me? I know you care about me, but you essentially told me you didn't love me anymore, at least, not the same way that I love(-d) you. So, what's going on?

And what am I going to do about the rest of my "romantic" life, huh? Where I have two guys that are after me, and yes, I am kind of viewing it as a problem. Because I want to man juggle, but I don't think that I have it in me. Especially if sex becomes involved. Because like any normal hotblooded female (I hate that phrase) I think about sex, and I rather like having it. But, I'm not going to be so capricious about it (name that movie!) that I just well, jump into the sack with one or both of these guys. (not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind...well, at least, it did today. After 2 dates w/ just a smooch and then a 3rd date with an actual kiss (a great kiss), and then seeing each other last night after the party--Young'En tried to get me out of my cute LBD from the party. Meanwhile, after the party (like, right after) Guy tried to get me to come over for some "hanging out"--yeah, the sexual tension apparently was NOT taken care of). I chose Young'En last night because I'd already told him I'd see him after the party.

This week I'm probably going to get myself into more trouble in this department. I'm going to a movie release/premiere thingie w/ Young'En tomorrow. Guy invited me over for dinner on Tuesday. I know that for some of you out there I probably sound like some sort of incredibly lucky snot b/c I have more than one man who's interested in me, and there is a part of me who knows that this is damn cool, but the other freakishly over-analyzer part of me who thinks every thing to DEATH and who on some level really doesn't know what to do with guys...she's setting up for a big panic. And it's like I can't stop myself from this stuff--I can't stop the whirlwind that is me. A lot of it is b/c I don't want to. I like the attention. I like feeling this way and I know that I'm better than this--that having guys like me shouldn't be so important, but yet...aren't all of we females like this? In some ways, in some instances? Or is it just me, the Low Self Esteem Queen, ruling over my land of romantic mishaps all of which are my own doing.

And yet...how do I stop thinking about you? How? And why is it that I can't just ask you what you're doing & why it feels like you now are the one that doesn't want to let go?

Oww

It's so pathetically sad, but I am HUNGOVER. Yup. And not only that, but I only had 3 drinks last night--a margarita at dinner, and then 2 after the movie.

Yup, another date w/ Young'En last night. We ate mexican food beforehand (yummy), then watched the 9:30 showing of Holiday. Cute movie, very typical chick flick, but cute & sweet & I really liked Cam & Kate's performances. We got out of the theatre at midnight & decided to go to a bar. And, this is where I think that I got tripped up. Young'En paid for the first round & when he ordered, just said 'Rum and coke'--thus garnering me a Bacardi-based drink. Bleagh! I ordered the second round so I could specify 'Capn'n'coke'. I think my body is very anti-Bacardi. So, all today I've had a headache, felt more foggy than normal during class, and have just been feeling yucky in general.

I'm taking a nap after class, fo sho!

Anyway...so the date was good. My only issue was with me. And though I have reservations about even talking about it, I'm going to (b/c maybe if I ignore it, it'll go away, right?).

After our work Xmas party yesterday (which was pretty cool, save some annoying Least Fave CoWorker moments), I felt really emotional and weepy. I made a mini-speech about how I'm leaving at the end of the year and I've really enjoyed working w/ everyone (mostly the truth) and it's going to be hard to leave, etc--so that was emotional. Then later, I had to drive to my hometown for work (we just started a new program there, so I burned a total of 50 miles there & back for something that took less than an hour. Part of the issue was while driving to the hometown was that the quickest route from the office drives by Justin's old house. And his old job. And, I was listening to the BNL Holiday album & cried for a bit on the drive. BUT, I also got pissed off at myself & had some self-talk that sounded like this, "stop fucking wasting your tears on him, it's OVER, he's NOT your boyfriend anymore, and even if he DOES end up moving back here, he doesn't feel the same way about you, so you need to get the FUCK over him, and move ON!"

Problem number two w/ that topic came up during the movie b/c Jack Black is in Holiday and sometimes Jack looks like Justin and vice versa. So, while I'm sitting there watching this cute romantic movie and wondering why Young'En is not trying to hold my hand (he's sometimes really shy) or doesn't have his arm around me, I'm also trying NOT to think about all the movies that Justin and I used to go to. And, how he'd be more snuggly. And how Jack Black looks like him and dammit...I was trying really hard not to just bawl during the damn movie. And, as we're walking out, I'm thinking to myself, "he is NOT Justin and he doesn't need to be like Justin and just shut the fuck up and enjoy yourself--Young'En's a nice guy!"

We finally had a real kiss last night and that was more than nice. And I blathered on a bit while sitting out in the truck, causing me to say "Sometimes I talk a lot", garnering a reply of "It's ok, it makes up for me not talking so much".

Guy (he of the making out fame--he & I are talking again--totally as friends, b/c he realized that I knew all along he was just a distraction) is having a swank bday party tonight--Red Carpet Hollywood is the theme tonight, at a bar here in town. Whitney and I are going and Young'En, when he heard I'm wearing my LBD, is going to be stopping by. This means MAJOR primpage must happen. And, I think I'll be needing a nap before then. However, I'm in DESPARATE need of a shower too, b/c I got home & just went blam into bed--stinky & smoky from the bar.

Anyway...that's been my weekend excitement so far. More to follow tonight, I'm sure. I need to clear off some space in my digicam so I can take pics, fo sho. If you're lucky and I'm feeling daring, I might post pics of Young'En. Ho ho, eh?

Ever had one of those awkward moments?

Yeah, really? Me too. I had a few last night...

On the night of my friend Katrina's bday (a few wknds ago)--I got pretty furschnickered and had to have guy (yes, he of making out fame) come get me from the bar. I had told him earlier in the night that if he needed someone to drive him home (he'd already been drinking earlier in the day b/c of college football), to give me a call b/c I wasn't planning on drinking. Hah! Funny, huh? Well actually the first semi-awkward moment involving Young'En was that night. Young'En is a friend of Katrina's from high school. His is thussly named b/c he is the same age as my lil bro, Jared. Which is more of a psychological thing than anything...Anyway...

I was talking with Young'En (after 4 captain'n'cokes), well and flirting too, and when the bar closed we were in the process of exchanging phone numbers when guy showed up to pick up my drunk ass. Oopsie. So, one of Young'Ens other friends played wing-girl for me and distracted guy while I was doing the phone number exchange.

So, I didn't hear from Young'En for about a week or so. And, things were really darn fun w/ guy so I wasn't really concerned (truth be told--I'm not much of a man juggler. I can only handle one at a time no matter what the circumstance of the handling is...).

THEN...Thanksgiving night, I get a call from Young'En. Well, ok, a voicemail, b/c the phone was off b/c the battery was dead and then I discovered that the phone was GONE, lost forever in the state of Iowa, in the middle of nowhere at a gas station we call the Four Corners (not its actual name). Apparently a bunch of people were going out to drink b/c no one had to work the next day. Sounds like they had trouble finding a place that was open, given the holiday thing and all. So...when I bought a new phone on Friday I called my friend Katrina and got Young'Ens phone number again, so I could call him back. And, I did, and he was at a family Thanksgiving dinner. But, he called yesterday and I went w/ him and 2 friends to a college hockey game last night. Then, afterward we went out to a bar and I drank copious amounts of beer. As did everyone else. Anyway...there was a guy at the bar who kept buying all of us pitchers (yeah, it was a bit weird...he knew everyone from high school, sorta) and uh, he kept referring to Young'En and I as boyfriend and girlfriend. (awkward moment #2) Kept telling Young'En "your girlfriend's fiesty", b/c well, I am when I have beer in me. I got a little free w/ the middle finger last night. But, the real awkward moment was when beer buyer asked Young'En how long we'd been together (b/c he'd been asking everyone else at the table the same), to which Young'En replied "this is our first date". Wow, beer buyer felt really DUMB after that. It was pretty funny. But again, awkward. But, not so bad that it made things turn out poorly on the date. It was a pretty good date. Young'En is super sweet.

We'll see what happens with all this...

Oh, and I emailed Justin in a drunken sadness on Friday night. He wrote back. It was long. :-(




"we are without leeches and wenches!"--Gilmore Girls Season Six.
Wackadoodle

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Tomorrow morning, at the ass crack of dawn I'm sure, my whole family (ma, pa & the bro) will pile into ma's Subaru and travel 4 hours into the neighboring state for a very crowded dinner at my aunt and uncles house. We will travel BACK home sometime tomorrow night. Yup, we're holiday day trippers. I'm excited for a family meal--not something I've had in the past 5 yrs or so. (sad, huh?)

*SIGH* Well...typically the murphy's law in my life is that I brag or boast or whatever about something and it all crumbles to bits. Yup, there is no more making out to be done with guy. We talked last night and he said he didn't think we should continue doing what we're doing or go any further before we get out of hand (not the exact words, but the gist). And, part of me was caught off guard, but the other part of me had known this was coming (I got a weird vibe on Monday...over the phone no less). And while the blow to the ego stings a bit, what I'm really upset about is that now I've no more distraction. Leaving me free to wallow in my depression about Justin. Yup, I'd been putting it off and so while I was a bit hurt and disappointed last night after the phone call with guy, I immediately burst into tears because I knew I wanted to talk to Justin about this and couldn't. And the fact that I can't talk to him anymore because we're now officially not part of each other's lives, that's what really really hurts. I miss him and I know that I just need to move on, but my long time friends will tell you this--Amy moving on is a LONG DRAWN OUT painful process. One that seems to be damn near impossible. Amy doesn't move on well. (Right Wiccachicky?) For the most part I'm not a stubborn person (I don't think at least), EXCEPT when it comes to relationships. I hate to give up on somone or something relationship related because that for me feels like the biggest failure. I'm such a people oriented person that feeling like a relationship has failed sends me into a panic. I'm NOT good at letting go and sometimes when I feel something start to slip I'll hold on tighter--picture me with my arms and legs wrapped around something, like you used to do with your mom or dad's leg when you were little, like 5? That's me. I have friends who seemingly will let relationships and people slip out of their lives with relative ease and while I know that it's not entirely the case, they're still able to do it. And yes, I know that I'll be better off doing so, but that logical self-preservationist side of my brain is very quiet compared to the rest of the shouting in my head.

So, without my distraction, what I'm trying to say is that it's going to be a long un-fun, very painful getting over Justin process.

Okay, I'm going to go eat some lunch now....

Sad

Well, it's really over. Justin and I. It's over. And, since he couldn't do or say or decide anything, I did it. I told him good luck and goodbye. Then, I hung up the phone and burst into tears. And, I keep expecting him to call me, but he won't. Because he apparently can't do anything. It hurts that I'm not worth the effort. It hurts more than I can even describe. At least I'm not currently crying so hard that I'm a big snotball. I really hate that.

It will get better, right? Like, I'll stop feeling as if my heart is physically shaking in my chest and that I want to throw up? Those feelings will cease, won't they? And I won't feel as if I've lost something that I'm stupid to be losing? Can somebody tell me when that will happen? When I'll feel better? B/c I'm impatient to begin with, and feeling like this really really effing sucks.

Grumble Mumble

I can't do it. Why is it that I can imagine a MILLION different conversations in my head with Justin, and can picture different scenarios, but yet I can't come up with damn dialogue for characters? Can't come up with a damn plot? What happens that things get stuck traveling from my brain to my fingers? DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT. Why the hell did I sign up for NanoWrimo anyway? Bleagh.

And yes, I've conjured what feels like at LEAST a million conversations in my head. Ever since having real conversations started getting difficult between us, I started to imagine them. Oh, and since the time between conversations started growing as well. When your boyfriend works nights and then sleeps the rest of the day when he's not working, there's not a lot of phone time to be had.

Oh, and we're on a break. But, we haven't defined it. And, it's, I dunno, it's just all really really weird right now. And I don't like it. And I keep starting sentences with the word "and". So, I'm sorry.

I'm going to put my pjs on. I should go to bed anyway.

Madden is such a big galooph. And Peyton Manning is such a cute dork. Yup, I'm watching the Colts/Pats game. Go Colts! I don't really like the Patriots anyway. Haha.