So, I've told you a bit about "R". How I thought I was wedding crashed. How the jury was then called back into chambers to deliberate further.
I don't know how to NOT rush into things. I'm a "leap then look" (or at least start looking when I'm already falling) when it comes to matters of the heart.
I'm so crazy about "R" it's got me a bit scared. He's not the type to rush into things he says. But, he is very much interested. I just think I'm a bit more emotionally involved than he is. Which is typical (of me in a relationship), but after everything else in the past year, is what scares me a bit more.
He's so funny. He's smart. He's cute. He's liberal (politically). He's a great kisser. He's a smart ass. He LOVES music (I think he's been to more concerts than I have). Is it any wonder that I'm nutso for him? Seriously...
**Subject line quote from: Barenaked Ladies, Fallin for the First Time
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, June 18, 2007
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Someday
Well, I had these thoughts in the shower the other day, so...hopefully they will come out as coherently now as they were then...
I think I'll preface this w/ an explanation that I usually end up taking very lengthy showers. Bad for the environment and my roommate's water bill, I know, but I TRY to be speedy. However, have you SEEN the amount of hair I have?!?! So...with all the time I spend in there, I end up doing some thinking. Actually I've often thought there's just something about the bathroom that inspires deep thoughts and epiphanies. (Imagine the thoughts I have at the bar after several beers and I have to use the facilities. Whoo dawggies!)
Anyway...
Someday, somewhere, I will find him. HIM. The guy that I'll spend the rest of my life with. And he will love me for a million reasons. He won't just tolerate all my quirks, my idiosyncracies and the fact that I'm so picky about so many things--he'll think such things are cute or endearing and realize they are definitely what makes me, me. He will appreciate the little things I do for him, along with the big things. He'll think I'm beautiful 24-7, but he will definitely notice and comment on it when I make an effort to be beautiful. He'll get my sense of humor and laugh at me when it's appropriate. He'll be ok with the fact that I end up spending so much money on my hair b/c well, again, have you SEEN how much of it there is?! It's high maintenance. He'll acknowledge my intelligence and we'll have deep conversations, but he'll also revel in my silliness and allow me to be just ridiculous when I feel like it. He'll put up with the dumb stuff that I do, but will call me on my shit when I need it. He will give awesome backrubs. He will want to make love to me all the time (obviously, we couldn't do it all the time), so thus, we'll be very compatible in bed. (however, I do concede that you can't have amazing, mind-blowing sex 100% of the time, so I'm ok with having the amazing stuff when we can, and good sex for the other times). He will be intelligent and like to read. His love of music will rival my own. He'll want to take me out to fancy, pricey meals now and then, but will love the fact that some days all I want is to stay home, watch movies and have frozen pizza. He'll have a job he loves that pays him what he deserves, and he'll be happy with it. He'll be close to his family and have a group of friends he's close to as well. He'll like my friends and will "get" all that goes along with the whole Babes of South Ash deal and the rest of it. He will get along FABULOUSLY with my brother (b/c that is of utmost importance). He will be nice, but not so nice that he's a pushover--I can't have my way all the time and me being a manipulative bitch is NOT a good thing. He will be comfortable in his own skin, but not cocky. He will want kids, and more importantly, want to have them with me. He will think the fact that I'm a teacher is amazing and will respect that and me for my desire to work with kids. He'll baby me when I need it, pamper me when I need it, and give me a swift kick when I need it. To boil it all down, he will get me and get what I need/want.
And he's out there, right now, thinking that there is some wonderful blue-eyed blond woman he'd like to find who's smart, silly, etc, everything that I am.
This is what I keep telling myself, particularly on days when I'm feeling really utterly alone. On days when I think back to past relationships, and what was right about them (the guy and the relationship) and what was wrong (both, again). And eventually I'll move on from the one that I'm still trying to work through and get over. Someday I won't tear up thinking about it. About the fact that he's not this man that I've imagined (when I thought he was).
So, I keep thinking about the possibilities. And I keep convincing myself that this dream man DOES exist. Someday. Somewhere. Yup.
I think I'll preface this w/ an explanation that I usually end up taking very lengthy showers. Bad for the environment and my roommate's water bill, I know, but I TRY to be speedy. However, have you SEEN the amount of hair I have?!?! So...with all the time I spend in there, I end up doing some thinking. Actually I've often thought there's just something about the bathroom that inspires deep thoughts and epiphanies. (Imagine the thoughts I have at the bar after several beers and I have to use the facilities. Whoo dawggies!)
Anyway...
Someday, somewhere, I will find him. HIM. The guy that I'll spend the rest of my life with. And he will love me for a million reasons. He won't just tolerate all my quirks, my idiosyncracies and the fact that I'm so picky about so many things--he'll think such things are cute or endearing and realize they are definitely what makes me, me. He will appreciate the little things I do for him, along with the big things. He'll think I'm beautiful 24-7, but he will definitely notice and comment on it when I make an effort to be beautiful. He'll get my sense of humor and laugh at me when it's appropriate. He'll be ok with the fact that I end up spending so much money on my hair b/c well, again, have you SEEN how much of it there is?! It's high maintenance. He'll acknowledge my intelligence and we'll have deep conversations, but he'll also revel in my silliness and allow me to be just ridiculous when I feel like it. He'll put up with the dumb stuff that I do, but will call me on my shit when I need it. He will give awesome backrubs. He will want to make love to me all the time (obviously, we couldn't do it all the time), so thus, we'll be very compatible in bed. (however, I do concede that you can't have amazing, mind-blowing sex 100% of the time, so I'm ok with having the amazing stuff when we can, and good sex for the other times). He will be intelligent and like to read. His love of music will rival my own. He'll want to take me out to fancy, pricey meals now and then, but will love the fact that some days all I want is to stay home, watch movies and have frozen pizza. He'll have a job he loves that pays him what he deserves, and he'll be happy with it. He'll be close to his family and have a group of friends he's close to as well. He'll like my friends and will "get" all that goes along with the whole Babes of South Ash deal and the rest of it. He will get along FABULOUSLY with my brother (b/c that is of utmost importance). He will be nice, but not so nice that he's a pushover--I can't have my way all the time and me being a manipulative bitch is NOT a good thing. He will be comfortable in his own skin, but not cocky. He will want kids, and more importantly, want to have them with me. He will think the fact that I'm a teacher is amazing and will respect that and me for my desire to work with kids. He'll baby me when I need it, pamper me when I need it, and give me a swift kick when I need it. To boil it all down, he will get me and get what I need/want.
And he's out there, right now, thinking that there is some wonderful blue-eyed blond woman he'd like to find who's smart, silly, etc, everything that I am.
This is what I keep telling myself, particularly on days when I'm feeling really utterly alone. On days when I think back to past relationships, and what was right about them (the guy and the relationship) and what was wrong (both, again). And eventually I'll move on from the one that I'm still trying to work through and get over. Someday I won't tear up thinking about it. About the fact that he's not this man that I've imagined (when I thought he was).
So, I keep thinking about the possibilities. And I keep convincing myself that this dream man DOES exist. Someday. Somewhere. Yup.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
a self-examination rant
(One positive note: This, today, is my last Saturday class, ever of my Fast Track program. Next Saturday begins my reign of sleeping in on Saturday morning's once more. WHOO HOO!)
WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE VERY LONG.
Remember how before Young'En, I was hanging out and making out w/ Guy? Well, after I became newly single this wk (b/c I'm ever-so-smart) I MySpace msgd him w/ the (mostly kidding) notion of hey, I'm single again, we should make out.
So, last night we did. And instead of making me feel better (b/c this has been a shitty week and usually making out makes me feel happy), I feel worse. I wasn't into it and mostly it was because I couldn't turn my brain off -- what is this? why am I doing this? I still want to be making out w/ Young'En? why is it that I'm in this situation again (being single)? why can't I stop thinking about Justin? [and for all of you out there who are sputtering in frustration at me right now--I know. Please keep it to yourself though, b/c they're my feelings & it was my relationship and that's not the cenral issue I'm getting to here anyway, ok?]
Guy and I actually talked a bit about relationships last night. He told me that he doesn't think I'm ready for a relationship right now. He doesn't want a relationship right now. He also said that he doesn't think that he and I should ever be in a relationship because he says I couldn't handle him as a boyfriend. To me that sounded like a challenge. I know it wasn't, but I was feeling argumentative last night (partially b/c I didn't get to argue with Young'En that night on the phone that he broke up with me. It was really a brief convo b/c I was pretty taken aback). Anyway, I admitted to myself (and to him) that I'm one of those girls who feels like I need to be in a relationship. I've always made fun of those girls who feel they need to be in a relationship. Turns out I'm one of them. And, before you all do whatever, I have been single before. I've had long periods of being single. People always tell you you need to be single after a relationship so you can learn things or whatever. I've never learned anything new about myself while being single. I learn things about me while I'm in relationships. And, at this point in my life I'm not sure what else I have to learn about me. It'd probably be more of some self-admitting more than anything. And, why do people have to do this self-learning alone? Why can't people figure things out while they're with someone? I've always thought that's crap. The whold needing to be alone thing seems silly. I'M NOT SAYING that being single doesn't have merits, but on the whole, I don't like it. I'm a happier person in a relationship and last night (while in the bathroom at Guy's no less) I figured out why. And, so I texted the answer to my friend Rod last night and this is what it is...
"Part of me is looking for validation from a relationship. So how do I truly believe/agree with all the good/nice things people tell me? How'd I get this way?"
Everyone always talks about how things that happen to you in childhood effect you now. I never felt like my parents didn't love me. I maybe had some self-image or self-esteem related to my peers' views of me when I was younger. However, I had friends. I wasn't the most popular girl, but I wasn't some sort of social reject. Starting in high school I had boyfriends. These boyfriends told me I was pretty, or cute, or sexy, or what have you.
So why do I feel unworthy? Why do I not believe people (as in, deep down in my core believe) when they pay me a compliment? Or tell me that I deserve better than that? Or when they tell me that I shouldn've have to put up with it b/c I can do better? What happened to my self-esteem along the way that it is such a non-entity at this point? Why is it that I keep going after or going out with these guys that I apparently I'm better than, but yet I still end up getting dumped? Why do I put up with what I put up with in relationships? Because logically, and rationally I know that I deserve better than that. And I "know" that I'm cute and I'm smart and all that, but it's like I don't really believe it. Like I agree because I know that I should, but yet I don't really buy into it. And I'm not sure why. HOW DID I GET THIS WAY? What happened to me in my relatively non-traumatic childhood that I feel and act so screwed up? Why do I feel like I need the validation that a relationship provides? HMM?
As I near that 29th birthrday, my fear of being alone increases. My paranoia related to my desirablity increases. I feel as if I have large or numerous personality flaws, that only grow as I get older. And I worry that I'll never find someone to share my life with, because I'll just keep finding these guys that are wrong for me, in some way or another. Or, my other fear, is that I'm not right. Somehow. There is something wrong with me that makes me not right for these guys that I've loved.
Now, I'm not looking for an effusion or a wave or compliments to try to boost me up here. I'm looking for solutions on how to fix this self-esteem issue I have. A way to change the way I think about myself. How to analyze and repair these problems.
So, any ideas?
WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE VERY LONG.
Remember how before Young'En, I was hanging out and making out w/ Guy? Well, after I became newly single this wk (b/c I'm ever-so-smart) I MySpace msgd him w/ the (mostly kidding) notion of hey, I'm single again, we should make out.
So, last night we did. And instead of making me feel better (b/c this has been a shitty week and usually making out makes me feel happy), I feel worse. I wasn't into it and mostly it was because I couldn't turn my brain off -- what is this? why am I doing this? I still want to be making out w/ Young'En? why is it that I'm in this situation again (being single)? why can't I stop thinking about Justin? [and for all of you out there who are sputtering in frustration at me right now--I know. Please keep it to yourself though, b/c they're my feelings & it was my relationship and that's not the cenral issue I'm getting to here anyway, ok?]
Guy and I actually talked a bit about relationships last night. He told me that he doesn't think I'm ready for a relationship right now. He doesn't want a relationship right now. He also said that he doesn't think that he and I should ever be in a relationship because he says I couldn't handle him as a boyfriend. To me that sounded like a challenge. I know it wasn't, but I was feeling argumentative last night (partially b/c I didn't get to argue with Young'En that night on the phone that he broke up with me. It was really a brief convo b/c I was pretty taken aback). Anyway, I admitted to myself (and to him) that I'm one of those girls who feels like I need to be in a relationship. I've always made fun of those girls who feel they need to be in a relationship. Turns out I'm one of them. And, before you all do whatever, I have been single before. I've had long periods of being single. People always tell you you need to be single after a relationship so you can learn things or whatever. I've never learned anything new about myself while being single. I learn things about me while I'm in relationships. And, at this point in my life I'm not sure what else I have to learn about me. It'd probably be more of some self-admitting more than anything. And, why do people have to do this self-learning alone? Why can't people figure things out while they're with someone? I've always thought that's crap. The whold needing to be alone thing seems silly. I'M NOT SAYING that being single doesn't have merits, but on the whole, I don't like it. I'm a happier person in a relationship and last night (while in the bathroom at Guy's no less) I figured out why. And, so I texted the answer to my friend Rod last night and this is what it is...
"Part of me is looking for validation from a relationship. So how do I truly believe/agree with all the good/nice things people tell me? How'd I get this way?"
Everyone always talks about how things that happen to you in childhood effect you now. I never felt like my parents didn't love me. I maybe had some self-image or self-esteem related to my peers' views of me when I was younger. However, I had friends. I wasn't the most popular girl, but I wasn't some sort of social reject. Starting in high school I had boyfriends. These boyfriends told me I was pretty, or cute, or sexy, or what have you.
So why do I feel unworthy? Why do I not believe people (as in, deep down in my core believe) when they pay me a compliment? Or tell me that I deserve better than that? Or when they tell me that I shouldn've have to put up with it b/c I can do better? What happened to my self-esteem along the way that it is such a non-entity at this point? Why is it that I keep going after or going out with these guys that I apparently I'm better than, but yet I still end up getting dumped? Why do I put up with what I put up with in relationships? Because logically, and rationally I know that I deserve better than that. And I "know" that I'm cute and I'm smart and all that, but it's like I don't really believe it. Like I agree because I know that I should, but yet I don't really buy into it. And I'm not sure why. HOW DID I GET THIS WAY? What happened to me in my relatively non-traumatic childhood that I feel and act so screwed up? Why do I feel like I need the validation that a relationship provides? HMM?
As I near that 29th birthrday, my fear of being alone increases. My paranoia related to my desirablity increases. I feel as if I have large or numerous personality flaws, that only grow as I get older. And I worry that I'll never find someone to share my life with, because I'll just keep finding these guys that are wrong for me, in some way or another. Or, my other fear, is that I'm not right. Somehow. There is something wrong with me that makes me not right for these guys that I've loved.
Now, I'm not looking for an effusion or a wave or compliments to try to boost me up here. I'm looking for solutions on how to fix this self-esteem issue I have. A way to change the way I think about myself. How to analyze and repair these problems.
So, any ideas?
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