*sigh*

I know I haven't been posting lately. And, I also know that every time I do manage to log on here to write something, I apologize for it. At least there's some consistency in that, right? Since there's been so much, yet not anything going on, this will be just some random thoughts.

I can't believe I'm almost done student teaching. I need to figure out a way to either move my teaching blog to a new account, or just delete it entirely. I want to have a blog my students can read & access homework from next year, BUT I don't want them to find this one. And, speaking of, I need to figure out how to post documents onto the blog, link-style. That will help b/c inevitably I'll have someone gone & if they want to access homework from home, that'd be sweet.

Apparently my taste in men lately has veered into the "douchebag" category. This from my guy friends at my part-time job. First Young'En broke up w/ me over the phone. Then, what was a 2-weekend dalliance was ended through a MYSPACE msg. Oh yeah, way to pick'em eh?

And, all the while, I'm still, STILL trying to get to a point where missing Justin doesn't hurt. I think that next month is going to be a test for me. He'll be in town for a friend's wedding. I was invited. I didn't RSVP b/c I decided I can't go. Not only can I not afford a gift, but I don't think my heart can afford seeing Justin at an event that's supposed to be happy. I don't want to sit there & be a basket case. Now, before you get all sorts of worried, there are some days (more often than not) where I believe I just miss the IDEA of him. But then I realized last night that Monday would've been our 2-yr anniversary. And he (and his mom) both sent me birthday cards. So I've had some steps back recently.

I need to get off my butt & apply for jobs, but I'm more than a little terrified by this idea. I HATE the job search. More & more as I get older, it freaks me out.

The other thing that's been on my mind lately is that I feel not necessarily out of place, but that I don't know if I have a place. Or, if I do have a place, where that place is. I was talking to my friend Linda last night about the possibility of moving out of state somewhere (not anywhere far, b/c I still want to be relatively close to my parents). However, I had a pretty lengthy dream this morning that involved moving (as in, I was moving out of state) and in my dream I was FREAKING out & didn't want to go & was bawling my eyes out. I take that as a sign that I don't want to move after all. It's hard, b/c I sometimes feel that there's this subtle pressure or notion that as a person, you haven't grown up or made something of yourself if you haven't ever moved from this state I call my home. And that irritates me. I mean, there are several things I'm not thrilled about related to this state of mine (mostly political things), but overall, what's so wrong with it?

But still, I feel lost. Right now, I blame it on a combination of Justin's lost-ness rubbing off on me (in my bday card he said that he's still not sure if AZ is for him, he still might move to AK, but yet he probably won't like it there & still might end up back here at his old job, which is the one he had when we met. OY!!!!) AND the fact that I've moved 4x in the past 4 yrs. A feeling of being settled, that does NOT inspire. (how'd ya like my yoda-ese there?)

Well, it's almost noon, I'm still in my pjs & I think that I need to go get SOMETHING done for the day.