a self-examination rant

(One positive note: This, today, is my last Saturday class, ever of my Fast Track program. Next Saturday begins my reign of sleeping in on Saturday morning's once more. WHOO HOO!)

WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE VERY LONG.

Remember how before Young'En, I was hanging out and making out w/ Guy? Well, after I became newly single this wk (b/c I'm ever-so-smart) I MySpace msgd him w/ the (mostly kidding) notion of hey, I'm single again, we should make out.

So, last night we did. And instead of making me feel better (b/c this has been a shitty week and usually making out makes me feel happy), I feel worse. I wasn't into it and mostly it was because I couldn't turn my brain off -- what is this? why am I doing this? I still want to be making out w/ Young'En? why is it that I'm in this situation again (being single)? why can't I stop thinking about Justin? [and for all of you out there who are sputtering in frustration at me right now--I know. Please keep it to yourself though, b/c they're my feelings & it was my relationship and that's not the cenral issue I'm getting to here anyway, ok?]

Guy and I actually talked a bit about relationships last night. He told me that he doesn't think I'm ready for a relationship right now. He doesn't want a relationship right now. He also said that he doesn't think that he and I should ever be in a relationship because he says I couldn't handle him as a boyfriend. To me that sounded like a challenge. I know it wasn't, but I was feeling argumentative last night (partially b/c I didn't get to argue with Young'En that night on the phone that he broke up with me. It was really a brief convo b/c I was pretty taken aback). Anyway, I admitted to myself (and to him) that I'm one of those girls who feels like I need to be in a relationship. I've always made fun of those girls who feel they need to be in a relationship. Turns out I'm one of them. And, before you all do whatever, I have been single before. I've had long periods of being single. People always tell you you need to be single after a relationship so you can learn things or whatever. I've never learned anything new about myself while being single. I learn things about me while I'm in relationships. And, at this point in my life I'm not sure what else I have to learn about me. It'd probably be more of some self-admitting more than anything. And, why do people have to do this self-learning alone? Why can't people figure things out while they're with someone? I've always thought that's crap. The whold needing to be alone thing seems silly. I'M NOT SAYING that being single doesn't have merits, but on the whole, I don't like it. I'm a happier person in a relationship and last night (while in the bathroom at Guy's no less) I figured out why. And, so I texted the answer to my friend Rod last night and this is what it is...

"Part of me is looking for validation from a relationship. So how do I truly believe/agree with all the good/nice things people tell me? How'd I get this way?"

Everyone always talks about how things that happen to you in childhood effect you now. I never felt like my parents didn't love me. I maybe had some self-image or self-esteem related to my peers' views of me when I was younger. However, I had friends. I wasn't the most popular girl, but I wasn't some sort of social reject. Starting in high school I had boyfriends. These boyfriends told me I was pretty, or cute, or sexy, or what have you.

So why do I feel unworthy? Why do I not believe people (as in, deep down in my core believe) when they pay me a compliment? Or tell me that I deserve better than that? Or when they tell me that I shouldn've have to put up with it b/c I can do better? What happened to my self-esteem along the way that it is such a non-entity at this point? Why is it that I keep going after or going out with these guys that I apparently I'm better than, but yet I still end up getting dumped? Why do I put up with what I put up with in relationships? Because logically, and rationally I know that I deserve better than that. And I "know" that I'm cute and I'm smart and all that, but it's like I don't really believe it. Like I agree because I know that I should, but yet I don't really buy into it. And I'm not sure why. HOW DID I GET THIS WAY? What happened to me in my relatively non-traumatic childhood that I feel and act so screwed up? Why do I feel like I need the validation that a relationship provides? HMM?

As I near that 29th birthrday, my fear of being alone increases. My paranoia related to my desirablity increases. I feel as if I have large or numerous personality flaws, that only grow as I get older. And I worry that I'll never find someone to share my life with, because I'll just keep finding these guys that are wrong for me, in some way or another. Or, my other fear, is that I'm not right. Somehow. There is something wrong with me that makes me not right for these guys that I've loved.

Now, I'm not looking for an effusion or a wave or compliments to try to boost me up here. I'm looking for solutions on how to fix this self-esteem issue I have. A way to change the way I think about myself. How to analyze and repair these problems.

So, any ideas?