(One positive note: This, today, is my last Saturday class, ever of my Fast Track program. Next Saturday begins my reign of sleeping in on Saturday morning's once more. WHOO HOO!)
WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE VERY LONG.
Remember how before Young'En, I was hanging out and making out w/ Guy? Well, after I became newly single this wk (b/c I'm ever-so-smart) I MySpace msgd him w/ the (mostly kidding) notion of hey, I'm single again, we should make out.
So, last night we did. And instead of making me feel better (b/c this has been a shitty week and usually making out makes me feel happy), I feel worse. I wasn't into it and mostly it was because I couldn't turn my brain off -- what is this? why am I doing this? I still want to be making out w/ Young'En? why is it that I'm in this situation again (being single)? why can't I stop thinking about Justin? [and for all of you out there who are sputtering in frustration at me right now--I know. Please keep it to yourself though, b/c they're my feelings & it was my relationship and that's not the cenral issue I'm getting to here anyway, ok?]
Guy and I actually talked a bit about relationships last night. He told me that he doesn't think I'm ready for a relationship right now. He doesn't want a relationship right now. He also said that he doesn't think that he and I should ever be in a relationship because he says I couldn't handle him as a boyfriend. To me that sounded like a challenge. I know it wasn't, but I was feeling argumentative last night (partially b/c I didn't get to argue with Young'En that night on the phone that he broke up with me. It was really a brief convo b/c I was pretty taken aback). Anyway, I admitted to myself (and to him) that I'm one of those girls who feels like I need to be in a relationship. I've always made fun of those girls who feel they need to be in a relationship. Turns out I'm one of them. And, before you all do whatever, I have been single before. I've had long periods of being single. People always tell you you need to be single after a relationship so you can learn things or whatever. I've never learned anything new about myself while being single. I learn things about me while I'm in relationships. And, at this point in my life I'm not sure what else I have to learn about me. It'd probably be more of some self-admitting more than anything. And, why do people have to do this self-learning alone? Why can't people figure things out while they're with someone? I've always thought that's crap. The whold needing to be alone thing seems silly. I'M NOT SAYING that being single doesn't have merits, but on the whole, I don't like it. I'm a happier person in a relationship and last night (while in the bathroom at Guy's no less) I figured out why. And, so I texted the answer to my friend Rod last night and this is what it is...
"Part of me is looking for validation from a relationship. So how do I truly believe/agree with all the good/nice things people tell me? How'd I get this way?"
Everyone always talks about how things that happen to you in childhood effect you now. I never felt like my parents didn't love me. I maybe had some self-image or self-esteem related to my peers' views of me when I was younger. However, I had friends. I wasn't the most popular girl, but I wasn't some sort of social reject. Starting in high school I had boyfriends. These boyfriends told me I was pretty, or cute, or sexy, or what have you.
So why do I feel unworthy? Why do I not believe people (as in, deep down in my core believe) when they pay me a compliment? Or tell me that I deserve better than that? Or when they tell me that I shouldn've have to put up with it b/c I can do better? What happened to my self-esteem along the way that it is such a non-entity at this point? Why is it that I keep going after or going out with these guys that I apparently I'm better than, but yet I still end up getting dumped? Why do I put up with what I put up with in relationships? Because logically, and rationally I know that I deserve better than that. And I "know" that I'm cute and I'm smart and all that, but it's like I don't really believe it. Like I agree because I know that I should, but yet I don't really buy into it. And I'm not sure why. HOW DID I GET THIS WAY? What happened to me in my relatively non-traumatic childhood that I feel and act so screwed up? Why do I feel like I need the validation that a relationship provides? HMM?
As I near that 29th birthrday, my fear of being alone increases. My paranoia related to my desirablity increases. I feel as if I have large or numerous personality flaws, that only grow as I get older. And I worry that I'll never find someone to share my life with, because I'll just keep finding these guys that are wrong for me, in some way or another. Or, my other fear, is that I'm not right. Somehow. There is something wrong with me that makes me not right for these guys that I've loved.
Now, I'm not looking for an effusion or a wave or compliments to try to boost me up here. I'm looking for solutions on how to fix this self-esteem issue I have. A way to change the way I think about myself. How to analyze and repair these problems.
So, any ideas?
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5 comments:
wow you said it way better than me. That's because I'm not a writer. I think it was last week I kinda tried to say the same thing, but I think it just came out all wrong. I've been feeling like this for a while. I've been trying to fix what ever it is about me myself. I wasn't looking for compliments either. I wanted some sort of insight to the problem too.
I'm letting you know that you are definately not alone. Thanks for putting the words out there properly.
I have never had self-esteem issues... if anything, I've suffered from the opposite: vanity.
It's hard for someone uneducated on the subject (ME) to give you a "quick fix" for this problem, because I don't think your lack of self-esteem (if that is in fact what the problem is here) was created over night.
In listening to your blog post, I can see many similarities with your thought pattern with a friend of mine, however with her it's not a lack of self-confidence that monopolizes her mind, for her it's OCD. She has had a HELL of a time trying to kick it, also. She has seen many therapists and usually they offer her anti-depressants or other drugs, which she is totally against!
Is it possible thought, that it is simply a chemical imbalance in your brain creating these negative thoughts? You said it yourself that you are fully aware that things on the outside aren't as gloomy as you make them out to be on the inside... (this is the part I have the hardest time understanding).
What is it that you feel like you are missing in life in order to truely LOVE yourself?
I don't know babe -- I do know that the only thing that worked for me was really BELIEVING that I could be alone and like it. That's when a relationship wandered along that I could really fall into. And no, you don't get to dismiss me as one of those people who has always been okay with being single because you and I are a lot alike in terms of finding ourselves in relationships. But I can tell you the people I dated who were "not good enough" for me were the ones who caused random drama -- not the ones that cut deeply. If you can't deal with the deep cuts and love YOURSELF for the mistakes you made, you will probably not be ready for a while...that's just my 2 cents.
I'm like Wicca. I never thought I'd find anyone for the long run but when I'd decided that being alone would be OK, someone came along that I couldn't say no to.
My situation is the polar opposite in many ways. Most of the time I am so comfortable being alone that I wonder if I will ever be able to share my life and space with anyone.
I know I rationalize my being alone and that in itself is a coping mechanism. It's a double edged sword really, Firstly I convince myself that if I don't find someone I will be fine b/c I can survive on my own and being alone isn't so bad (freedoms, etc)AND Secondly part of me is scared to get into a relationship and all it entails. I know why I do what I do, and I am working on these things in hopes that I can open myself up to the possibilities I have normally scoffed at.
You should ask yourself "Is your behavior a coping mechanism of some sort? And what can you do to get past that?"
I agree with Wicca, I think you need to be happy with yourself and the decisions you have made (good or bad). No regrets just lessons learned. You can't love someone without first loving yourself etc. Cliche? Maybe. But I think it is true.
Hugs to you my friend!:)
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