ARRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!

I hate feeling like I have to carry our conversation in a goddamn 5 gallon bucket of water. In case you've never carried one of those, it's damn heavy and awkward. I mean, I'm kinda a wussy, but still.

What's w/ the wine bottle and that weird air bubbly nose-looking thingie on the bottom? In my opinion, it lessens the amount of available wine for me to drink. Bastards.

I hate doing my fucking homework. I hate doing my homework for my Linguistics class in particular. I can't stay awake in class, no matter how hard I try. AND, I NO, I don't think that getting more sleep would help. Jerk.

I just want to feel like I matter. Like you're calling me because you can't wait to talk to me. Not because you feel obligated. I fucking HATE feeling like an obligation. My last boyfriend made me feel like that--he'd call and ask what I wanted. What, I can't just call because I want to talk to you? To hear your voice? Because I miss you? Oh, but no, silly me, that wouldn't make any SENSE now, would it.

I don't think that (in the grand scheme of things) that I'm asking alot. I want to feel like I matter. I don't need to be number one (not that it wouldn't be nice), but I don't want to be last on the list. I want to hear you say you miss me. I want to hear you say "I love you". I want to see and hear proof that your life is not nearly as fun or as sunny because you don't get to see me every day. I'm not asking for flowers every week, but flowers every once and awhile, for no reason at all (other than you're thinking of me) would be great. A card (either real or of the e-variety) would be fantastic. A mix cd of songs that make me think of you--the best ever. I want you to think of me when you're making decisions. I want you to care when I'm sad or sick--truly care and be worried. I want you to have naughty thoughts about me and maybe even tell me about them. I want to feel like you can't wait to kiss me and do other (similar) stuff with me. I want you to share you hopes and dreams and worries and fears with me. I want you to be impressed with me, when I tell you stuff I'm proud of that I've done. I want you to be interested, simply because I am. I don't expect you to start being a classical music afficianado, but it would be nice if you thought it was really damn cool that I can arrange music. I want you to want me to be interested in stuff that you do--and not think that it's weird that I am. It's a part of your life--I want to know about it. I want you to try to explain things to me, even if you're not sure that I'll get it--I might, you never know. I'm not some idiot for chrissake. I got a 30 on my ACT's DAMMIT.

I want to feel like the last year and a half, the two of us weren't wasting our time on a relationship that's has 4 states separating us.

I want to feel loved. I want to feel beautiful. I don't need everyone to think I'm beautiful--I just want YOU to think that, and to tell me that. I want you to call me up, randomly, in the middle of the day, just b/c you want to hear my voice (even if you get my voicemail). I wish you'd get jealous (even just a little bit), when I tell you some guy hit on me, or that some guy was looking at me or whistled at me or gave me the "hey baby" eye. Every girl wants stuff like this. She wants to feel like every other girl in the world is invisible to her boyfriend (even the hot celebrities) and doesn't matter--that only she does. She wants to feel loved, and wanted, and intelligent, and sexy, and funny, and all sorts of things. She wants to feel that her BOYFRIEND is the one that's thinking this stuff--not her guy friends. She wants to get a text message from her BOYFRIEND that says "Whats up my beautiful vivacious and incredibly sexy lust bunny, " not someone else. Even if something like that is a little ridiculous and silly and makes her laugh--she still wants a text message like that.

I want to feel like you want to talk to me about stuff that's bothering you--that's what your girlfriend is for--to share stress crap with. To talk about your worries, your annoyances, even the weird random crap that you think of in the middle of the night. I want to feel like you care the way I care. That you want me to be happy. That you're worried about me. That you symptathize with me when I'm having a crappy day or I'm annoyed with the world's dumbest co-worker AGAIN.

I do NOT want to feel like talking to you is difficult. And that there's this brick wall between us. And that our conversation is as cold as the Tundra. That you'd rather be doing your laundry than be on the phone with me. What's the point then? Why have we continued on this long? In my opinion, the way I see it, you continue you on this long when you LOVE someone and you envision a future with them. You picture them as a part of your life (and there's good and bad in this picture). You think about what your kids would look like and what you'd do together on the weekends. You don't stay with someone when you're four states apart just for the helluvit. I mean, that's why I've stuck it out. Because I love you. Because I do (or I did) envision that future--our kids with the prettiest blue eyes, all chubby and with super-crazy thick hair. They'd be so smart.

I want to feel loved. And I haven't felt like that for awhile. I keep waiting for the guy I fell in love with to talk to me on the phone. The guy who used to say "I love you baby". And, every once in awhile, I think I hear a little bit of him. But, I think he got lost. Along the way, when you got lost, when you stopped knowing what the HELL you're doing with yourself, you lost that guy. That wonderful, caring, sensitive, romantic guy. The guy who sent me flowers when he took vacation because he missed me already. Where did he go? Who are you? And what the fuck happened that you don't act like that anymore? And why have I let you get away with it?

I want to feel that way again. I'm starting to doubt it's possible.