LOOMING

The 10th of October is rushing toward me like a great big train or a linebacker or something equally huge & painful. I can't believe he's gone in just 8 days. It's too soon! It's just TOO DAMN SOON.

Last night went out w/ some friends of his after I got off work at PJ's. E's babymamma/girlfriend, M, asked if I was mad. I said I wasn't b/c how could I be? He's been nothing but upfront w/ me about wanting to leave, wanting to move to AZ, right from the get go. He didn't spring this on me like some horrible surprise. So, I'm not mad. I am very sad. I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. I told him (that 1st night after he found out he got the job) that I was upset b/c it felt like I wasn't enough to keep him here. He said I am, he just thought I'd want to go w/ him. (which, if you know him, it makes sense). I think that if I had thrown a fit about it, or given any indication that I had no intention of even considering going or didn't want him to go, he would've seriously reconsidered going. But...I'm just not one of those girlfriends. If I'm manipulative, it's more subtle. (the one thing I might be subtle at). PLUS, I could see already, what the job at W was doing to him. He hated it. I didn't want to see him hate it so much that he'd turn into what my dad was for so many years. I want more for him than that. I want him to be happy. And yeah, it's going to SUCK SUCK SUCK when he's gone & I'm here. But, I keep telling myself that we can do it.

And so we will. I just wish we didn't have to so soon.