I've decided that self-doubt is the worst doubt there is. I feel as if I suffer from that an awful lot. Sometimes it's job related: trying to manage all of the tasks of my job & feeling inadequate & unorganized. Sometimes it's money related: as in, I never feel as if I have enough & it's really getting to the point that "borrowing" money from my folks (& sometimes my brother) is humiliating. I'm 27 for chrissake! I'm still begging for income-sensitive payment options from my student loan company, b/c I'm scraping by. Sometimes its relationship related: am I making the right choices? Is moving to AZ really the best idea/plan for me?
These are all things I've been worrying about this month. My co-worker, A, has joked that our theme song for work should be Green Day's "Wake me up when September ends" (can't remember the actual title). Part of me agrees. This month feels just so very SUCKY! Compared to my idyllic summer (slacking at work, spending time w/ J, etc etc), this month was a very big slap upside the head.
However, once September ends (which is just in a few days, I know), then it's October & then he leaves. A wise friend told me last night that if our (J & I) relationship is strong now & it stays strong while he's in AZ & I'm here, then moving down there when my lease is up in June is NOT nuts & makes perfect sense. And while I know that that's what I want to do, b/c I want to be w/ him & I'm actually getting kinda sick of being here & feeling SO dependent on my parents, another part of me is freaking out by leaving here & feeling so far away from my parents. See, I'm vacillating. The idea of being w/o him sucks. The idea of moving scares me. I guess I need to discover which scares me more.
I KNOW I'm obsessing about this. I'm really good at that. I'm an over-thinker, an obsesser, over-analyzer. I do it all. And, I'm going to keep doing it. Oh well.
[he knows it too...says he worries about my worrying. although yesterday I had a big boo-yah moment (1/2 hour I guess) thinking we can do this, it'll suck, but we can do this, b/c it's important to us, WE'RE important to us.] [then I went home from work & it was 9 when I left & I was TIRED & crashed]
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2 comments:
I think all relationships go through a patch like that. It'll all work out. You'll see.
Yeah, tough call. You are probably better off testing it out for a bit since you haven't been together that long - but at the same time that always sucks. Just know that moving, no matter how far, ALWAYS uproots you and usually is followed by a deeper depression about what you left behind even if you are happy about moving on.
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