Can't sleep

Is it possible that a person's heart could actually hurt? Truly, physically ache or feel empty, when emotionally, they feel as if they want to break in two?

Now, before you all get nervous, readers of mine, Justin and I did NOT break up. I'm just feeling very melodramatic because I miss him. A LOT.

Lately, I feel as if I'm single. Without the fun parts though--random kissing of guys at bars, unabashed flirting and oogling, etc. No, I just get to be bored and feel sorry for myself every time the weekend rolls around. And go to bed by myself, wishing that I wasn't sleeping alone. Wishing that I could cuddle up next to Justin, instead of Justin's sweatshirt.

I won concert tickets tonight--to Sister Hazel and Toad the Wet Sprocket. Pretty cool, right? Except for the fact that I have NO ONE to go with me to the concert. I have a small number of single friends. I feel bad asking the married ones to go and not being able to invite their spouses (I like their spouses, don't get me wrong). I do actually know of someone who's already going & has their own tickets & everything--my ex-boyfriend, Tony. Yeah, really great plan there. Call and ask if I can hang out w/ him at the concert. *sigh* It's ok to talk to him once & awhile, & to call when I have teachery questions (b/c he's a middle school teacher), but hanging out just feels weird. And, disloyal. I know it's not, b/c I know there's NOTHING between us anymore that's romantic, but I'm not sure what Justin would think about. It's one thing to hang out w/ guys friends, but hanging out w/ ex-boyfriends? Probably not so kosher.

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS SUCK!!

I just started reading this book tonight called Me vs Me by Sarah Mlynowski--about a girl who gets split between 2 lives b/c she can't choose. 1) get married to her faboo boyfriend and stay in Phoenix or 2) break-up w/ him and take a killer job in NYC. I'm already angry at this girl for being a complete idiot b/c I know what I would do in a heartbeat. It's harder still that the boyfriend scenario is set in Phoenix. *crumble*

I was doing ok for awhile...yeah, the winter sucked, but I think that spring was better for me. I was excited about school and all that. Now, I just feel crappy again. I'm sick of it! And it's not that I can pinpoint anything other than the fact that I haven't seen my freakin' boyfriend since freakin' December. And I hate that it's having this severe of an effect (or is it affect? I can never remember) on me. I don't want to be one of those girls whose happiness is guy dependent. But, I can't seem to be NOT one of those girls. It's compounded by the fact that even my mom feels bad for me and I think would feel better (in a way) if I moved down there, b/c she knows I'd be happy. She's told me she wants me to be with him. At least she stopped asking when he's going to move back here.

I can hear the music (well, the bass--throbbing and pumping) of the club that's very near my apt (about a block away). When I'm at home, alone, in bed on the weekends, hearing that makes me feel just that much worse and that much more like a loser.

And, I know I'm not a loser. I've just ended up in a place where I think I've outgrown. But, until I finish my education I'm stuck here. And, I don't know where to go next. I want it to be Arizona b/c I want to be w/ Justin, but he has to want that too. I don't want to move down there and ...

All of this ranting is getting me nowhere close to sleepy. Although, I am beginning to yawn again.

I should have just skipped watching my Gilmore Girls DVD and gone to bed at 11. Maybe I'd already be asleep by now and not feeling so unhappy about the fact that my boyfriend is 4 states and 2 timezones away and I miss him SO MUCH that my chest physically hurts. Like, it feels as if my heart would leap out of me and smash itself onto the ground. And, that is an appealing alternative to the pain.

I'm going to go get a drink. Of water. I'm so thirsty.