you're just like a pill**

**song by Pink

(Man, I knew I should've gotten up outta bed last night when I was all riled up & thinking these thoughts!...last night the words/ideas flowed freely)

He didn't even tell me that I looked good. And dammit, I did look good. I mean, that was part of the whole plan for the evening. A girl knows that when she's going to see her ex, she damn well better look freakin' hot. And so I did. To the point where other people there told me I looked good. To the point where I got hit on, dammit. But did HE say anything? No, of course not. He said he didn't think it was going to be that hard for us to see each other. DUH. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it was going to be painful. Why do you think that when I arrived I started shaking like crazy & headed straight for the beer? (hooray for liquid courage, eh?) I'm no dummy. At least, about that I'm not. About other things apparently, though, I am.

Yes, if you haven't figured it out by now, I saw Justin. At a wedding reception for 2 of his friends I became friends with as well. I wasn't going to go, but then I was talked into it by another friend (incidentally, the one that set the 2 of us up) That night pretty much sucked. Several times throughout the sucky evening, I was asked "why did you guys breakup", and had to answer that I didn't really know. Eli (the groom) said more than once that it was crappy that we're not still together and he acted like he thought it didn't make sense. I used to agree. Now, I'm just mad. And how embarrassing that the sucky evening ended with me beginning to cry, him trying to be the good guy & giving me a hug, and me calling a friend for a ride home (since I was in no shape to drive). When my friend got there, I got in the car & immediately burst into tears. FUCK! I hate that I'm still affected. I'm sick of all this. When am I going to be over him, dammit? (hopefully, all this anger is a good step towards that)

What sucks now, is that it kinda feels like he left all over again. Except for this time I have no hopefulness. This time instead, I know that it's it, finito, done for, etc. And I'm mad. Mad that after everything that happened the way it did, he still is just bopping along, blahdi blahdi blah. I want him to hurt the way I hurt. Dipshit. It's really lowering, realizing that you were with someone for over a year and that while you thought this was the person you were going to marry, they only had fond feelings about you. Yes, fond, they cared about you, but didn't want to marry you. Yet, knowing how you felt, they continued a relationship. It's almost like part of him was hoping he'd feel that way, like he could talk himself into it. GAH! You can't talk yourself into feeling something about or for someone. It doesn't work that way! DUR.

Right now I just really want to shove him. Like, if I did it hard enough I could knock some sense into him. Some sense that will help him figure out what the hell he wants. Because he sure as shit doesn't know. And no, I don't think that we'll end up back together. It's too late for that, and things have happened that prevent that from ever happening.

However, that doesn't mean that I'm completely over him. I mean, I fell in love with him. I love him & until I can stop loving him & stop comparing other guys to him, then I won't have moved on. Me being the damn impatient type that I am, I wish I was finished already.