Just wondering

How is it that, in a city of 500,000 people (then another few 100,000 more or so, give or take, when you add in the suburbs) that I can and DO feel so utterly alone? And, I feel this way a lot of the time. Some days are better than others, but some days, like yesterday and Friday, are horrid. It was one of those days where I both wanted to be alone, but at the same time wanted to feel like I matter--to people other than my parents. I know that I matter to them, and I like that I'm close to them (distance-wise and emotionally). But, a girl can only hang out w/ her parents so much, ya know?

Most days I get up (late), I go to work where I'm not thrilled w/ my job (& last wk I didn't do any work related work at all, just hwk & screwing around online), I hang out there for as long as I need to get my hours in, then I go home, by myself, and eventually go to bed. The next day's the same thing--later, rinse, repeat. That's what I feel like.

Now, before I get completely on the pity party train, I DO have friends & even a few of them are in town, but they're mostly through work & there's only so much hanging out you can do w/ people you've already seen all day, ya know? And, it's not the same thing as my girls, my Babes of South Ash (collge thing).

I know that a lot of my misery/loneliness is due to the fact that Justin is four states away and the distances is really REALLY getting to me. We haven't seen each other since December and neither of us is sure when we'll get to see each other next. And it's still hard in the fact that before he left we saw each other every day and spent each night with each other. When I moved into my apartment last July (hard to believe it's already been a year), I had him stay w/ me the first few nights because I was kinda afraid. Well, then we just stayed every night with each other. So, when he left in October, I hadn't yet slept in my apartment by myself. I almost called my mom that night to have her come stay over--I was so miserable. There are some days when my Queen bed seems so huge. Then there are others when I sleep in the middle & take up all the room. Both of those instances scare me--I don't want to be used to sleeping w/o him. Yet, I hate missing him at night.

I'm not even sure if know where I'm going with this. I'm not sure that a change of scenery (aka a move to another place, even Arizona) would help this melancholy of mine. I had similar lonely thoughts (probably even as bad as these feel) when I was living in H-town and felt lonely there. But, that was complicated by the fact that I was still living in the town I'd gone to college in and all my friends from college had moved away because of graduation, etc.

I just want to find happiness. But, I also want to find out WHAT I need to be happy. I know that going back to school has helped (I've been so tired that my sleeping troubles have been almost nonexistent--thankfully) and I'm SO excited to eventually get into the classroom and work with those silly high schoolers. But, you can't rely solely on your job for happiness.

I'm afraid that what I really want, I can't have and so I don't know what to want instead. Where do I compromise? Where do I make concessions?